Thursday, August 14, 2008
Unknown Number-sorry i kinda of long hehehe
“Unknown number” that emerges onto my handphone so randomly when I was about to knock off on my bed yesterday night. Normally I wouldn’t pick up “unknown number” or contacts that weren’t in my contact list, well that’s me I just don like it.
But god know, what the hell is wrong with me last night that I actually went to pick up that bloody “unknown number”, and I been cursing and swearing at myself till now for picking up the bloody phone call.
The caller was Ruben…… ya a bloody big time jerk, sickening idiot, a fucking man without any strength of character and thoughts!
I don wish to say such things to him, but I am sorry, all the above really robust him like a T!
He says he was back from Dubai, asking me how I am holding to and staff like that….
My reply to him was only like “ya”, “ooh”, “fine” that’s it,
What make me boiled up is, “don you have anything to ask or tell me? I just landed Singapore and you are the first one to come to my mind to call...”
I was taken back for a while before I started asking him, what the hell you expect me to ask or tell?! To tell you how much I freaking miss you?!
Or ask how your work at Dubai?! Or even how you and the woman are getting on?! Which one you want me to ask or tell you!? Frankly speaking I have no intention to ask either or I am interested to know all these!
What the fuck you expect me to answer all your ‘smart’ questions like those after all the hurting things that you have done to me in the past!!??
I am not like you, I can’t pretend as if nothing had happened!! I can’t!!
Flashes of that woman coming to me, telling me to leave you alone, as you’re her just as when I thought well maybe we can really patch this relationship back again since you and me already had this intention in mind back than………..
The moment the woman started telling all those things that I refuse to know, those every single details things that the both of you had done together, I tell you my whole world just collapse....... it just collapse........
Although the “talk” we had together is only for 15-20 minutes, but do you know that 15-20 minutes is already sufficient to kill me......
Didn’t we promise each other that we’ll give our reply to each other once you are back from your business trip?
Didn’t we have a long good talk till dawn inside your car when you came to fetch me up from work?
Didn’t we clear off all the misunderstandings that we had in the past that causes us to break off in such a painful and cruel way?
Didn’t we come clean with each other already?
Didn’t you promise that we’ll go Bali for a short holiday on my birthday last year??
Didn’t we??
Did we did any of the above things? we did not......
Did you keep to your promises to me? you did not......
You didn’t, you didn’t Ruben.........
And how come that woman wasn’t inside our conversation at all.......
Never at all Ruben........
Do you have any freaking ideal how I felt for the next few days after that woman came and confronted me! You did not!!
You wasn’t in the country than and I did not had any chance(s) to clear thing with you! I have hundred and thousands of question to ask you, but where the hell are you than?! You were no where in sight, I can’t contact you at all, email you till your mail box is flooded asking you to give me a call, but to no avail…..
Where the hell were you when I want to see you most?
Where the hell were you when I so want you to come and give me a big, warm firm hug and say that everything is ok?
Where the hell were you when I was in a total lost of mind?
Where the hell were you when I had so many questions inside my mind than?
Where the hell were you when I was crying my hearts out, wondering what the hell is wrong for everything that had happened?
Where the hell were you when I so lost, so lost in everything out of the world?
Just where the hell you were when I need you most at the point of time???
You were no where found!!
I will never forget what is her last word for me before she leave, "Don make yourself a slut, so don been one!” ,
I force myself not to go and recalled all those awful past memories, I tried, I swear….. I really tired.......
But to wipe out those bloody dreadful memories out of my mind is utterly impossible,
What is done can’t be undone, Ruben, you keep saying that I did not give you any chance to explain yourself back than, I did gave you chance, not once, not twice, but thrice!!! It’s thrice!!!
I did give you chance or in fact chances to explain things to me, but you did not cherish those chances!!
3 times, Ruben and every time you deny, my heartache once....
It really painful……. Do you god damn know how painful it feels,
It so painful that, the word “PAINFUL” can no longer illustrate that pain that I am bearing at that period of time……
Do you know that, do you god damn know that!!
I feed on pain and only pain for that bloody period of time, never in my entire life had I felt like this way and I couldn’t believe it up till today that you were actually the one who made me into such state……
A man who I trusted so much,
A man who I once love him so deeply,
A man who I once share sweet and fond moments with,
A man who I once thought he’s my prince charming, it’s just too nice to believe,
A man who have been through thick and thin with me together once,
A man who he once showered me with so much of his tender loving care,
A man who once can read my mind and know what I know want without me saying anything,
A man who once know when my PMS period is and will tried all means to please me,
A man who once trusted me so much and allow me to go out clubbing with my peers,
A man who once never gave up on me, no matter how unreasonable I might be,
A man who once prove the people surround us wrong by being together for so long, for 2 and a half years,
A man who once will never fails to give me his signature warm firm hug when ever I and down or just feel like hugging him,
A man who once always had his shoulder ready for me when ever I need it,
A man who once I bite and yet he insisted it’s not painful,
A man who once bear with my temper when I have my “bloody mary”,
A man who once assured in front of my parents that I’ll be in safe hand when I am with him,
A man who once will appear right in front of me when ever I want to see him,
A man who once pamper me when ever I had stomach cramps during the time of the
month,
A man who once I will never get sick and tired of meeting him every day,
A man who once I will miss him so terribly if he’s away for business trip, even just for 3 days,
A man who once will hug me so tightly and warmly in his night thought out the whole night,
A man who once I can trust him with his female friends, trusting him to know where he stands,
A man who once will coax me to take my medicine when I am sick, knowing that I hate to eat medicine,
A man who once will just melt me away with his kiss,
A man who once when ever we fight, he will just hold me from the back, and whisper
in my ear “it’s ok baby, I am sorry let stop all these alright”
A man who once I have loved him so much………..
A man who once I also put him in front of everything else,
A man who once I love him like no body does,
A man who once love me like no one does too, making feel so thankful that I have found him,
A man who once I thank God for sending him to me,
A man who once has broken my world apart and tore my heart into thousands and millions pieces…………
Yes I still couldn’t make myself believe that you were the old that have done that to me, I still couldn’t believe it……….
But that what happened really happened, there no way I can change the fact.
I don know how you came to know about me and Alez, but I swear what I did with him wasn’t a revenge toward you, it wasn’t……
I don know what on earth he told you, well I admit I did slept with him once…….. And I really don know what got into me that day that I actually slept with him!!
I still can’t figured it out till now, but than even if I slept with him, I don think I need to owns you any explanation because we’re already over and done with it with each other already!
I would not go around sleeping with other men just to get revenge with you, I would not, the only revenge I can think off to get back to you is to get a man who is so much times better than you and be with him! And to show to you that I am doing very well without you with me, that’s the only revenge that I’ll take and trust me, I’ll do that!!
Let move on, Ruben let just move on it pointless to keep looking back at the past when I believe you, yourself should know by now chances of us getting back together is zero.....
Let’s just keep all those fond, sweet and wonderful memories inside our brains and into the deep corner of our heart alright, they were all memories already, nothing but just memories that we once a while will bring them out to remind ourselves that we’re still alive.
As for the awful and ugly ones, well we can’t erase them away but at least they will remind us not to hurt others in the same way and remind ourselves not to get hurt in the same old way again…….
So what are you waiting for, let us move on alright, I am already moving on really……
We can still be friends; I know we can…..
At least I know I can do it, but can you, Ruben,
Can you……..
Wanting him is hard to get,
Loving him is hard to regret,
Losing him is hard to accept,
But with all the hurt and pains i felt,
Letting him go is the most painful yet...........
Bernadette Karen remembered on 23:13.
